


Empty

by Roblidon



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dissociation, Egobang - Freeform, M/M, anger caused by depression, blood mention chapter 1, drug mention chapter 2, just wanted to clear that up before the next update, no cutting, punching walls, self harm mention chapter 1, self harm refers to wall hitting and doing things to cause himself pain, such as walking barefoot on concrete and punching walls and taking burning hot showers, unknown dissociation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-22 07:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6070264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roblidon/pseuds/Roblidon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arin hasn't been feeling himself lately. Actually, he hasn't really been feeling much of anything at all. To try and change that, he starts to do reckless things, and Dan starts to notice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tears

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go, another fic. This was originally going to be from Dan's perspective, but then I had a change of heart. Let me know what you guys think :) I'm Roblidon on tumblr as well. This turned out way darker than I intended. More to come soon (?) if you guys want.
> 
> EDIT: Ok so I'm definitely writing more, by the time anyone reads this there will be at least one more chapter up. And I also decided to have the second chapter from Dan's perspective because it's about him. Change things up a bit, keep it fresh, ya feel me? Hope you guys like it, please feel free to leave a comment or message me on tumblr.

Arin has never really been the type of guy to put himself in harm’s way. He liked to play things safe, not doing much that would take him out of his comfort zone. Well, he was that way, up until a few months ago. Now, Arin doesn’t feel like himself. Actually, to be more specific, he doesn’t really feel anything at all. He still loves his wife, of course, and he still loves his friends and family. But that doesn’t keep the gnawing emptiness inside of him at bay. So he decides to do whatever it takes to make himself feel alive again, even if it puts himself at risk.

It started out with little things: walking barefoot on the burning pavement in the grueling Summer heat, going an entire day without eating, speeding down the highway. The short bursts of adrenaline and pain would keep him satisfied for a few days at first, but now he needs more. The hole inside of him keeps getting more immense, consuming his daily life.

Now he stands in the shower, his forehead pressed against the cool tiles, his fingers slowly tracing the lines of grout. He can’t even feel the sensation on his fingertips. He’s so numb. His hand shifts to the knob and he turns it to the hottest setting. After a few seconds, scalding water starts shooting out of the shower head, hitting him in the chest and pouring down his body. He winces at the pain, but at least he can feel it. He hates that hurting himself is the only way he can actually feel anything anymore. He grits his teeth and places his closed fist against the wall of the shower. The water is leaving thick, harsh lines all over his body. He pushes his weight forward, the added pressure making his knuckle open up a small crack in the tile that had been there for months. The crack widens slightly, making his finger slide roughly against the jagged edge. He pulls his fist back from the tile, and examines the cut. It’s nothing deep, only a small dot of blood falling from it, which is quickly washed away by the water. 

Arin looks at the cracked tile, his eyes lacking any kind of luster. He balls up his fist again and suddenly punches the tile, as hard as he can. He lets out a loud, sharp grunt as his fist hits the tile. The impact makes the tile spiderweb, pieces of it falling onto the floor of the shower. Arin pulls his fist back, and hits the same place again. And again. And again. Now he’s screaming, not caring who hears, because he’s in pain and angry and terrified all at the same time. Blood streams down the tiles now, the condensation of the water turning it light pink but not erasing it completely. Arin loses track of how long he’s in there, hitting the wall. But when he decides he’s finished, the water has long since run cold, and the tile has been totally shattered, lying in small broken pieces near the drain. He turns off the water and looks at his hand. He can’t stop it from shaking and it’s bleeding in multiple places. The initial pain has subsided, but a low buzz of it still remains. Hopefully this will keep him satisfied for a while. He doesn’t know how he’s going to explain the tile to Suzy when she gets back from Holly and Ross’ place. He’ll think of something when the time comes.

\---

Arin sits on the couch in the Grump room, waiting for Dan to come in for their session this week. He has his hand wrapped up and can’t quite move it properly, but he’s hoping that he’ll be able to play the games nonetheless. He hears the door open behind him. 

“Hey buddy, ready to kick ass and take names?”

Dan sits on the couch next to him, a cup of tea in his hand and his Giants hat on his head, trying it’s best to hold back the mane underneath. He smiles widely at Arin, obviously in a good mood today. Arin looks at Dan, making a conscious effort to try and look happy. He smiles back at Dan.

“Hell yea dude. Let’s get this party going.”

He leans over to pick up the controller from the floor, but a sharp pain runs through his hand, causing him to drop it. He mutters a curse and can feel Dan’s confused stare without even looking at him. He takes a deep breath and picks up the controller again.

“Arin, what happened to your hand? Are you ok man?”

Dan has sincere concern in his voice, and Arin can hear it. He looks at his hand, which is still throbbing in pain. Small blotches of blood start to appear on his knuckles, the scabs breaking open. He knows that Dan wouldn’t be able to understand his reasons or what he's going through, so he decids that it would be better to just lie.

“I’m fine, I just hurt myself while trying to work on my car yesterday. No big deal, it hardly even hurts.”

Dan puts his cup on tea on the floor in front of him and shifts so that he’s facing Arin. 

“Arin, look at me.”

Arin looks up from his hand, meeting Dan’s deep brown eyes with his own. Dan’s face is stern, but his eyes are full of worry.

“I can tell when you lie to me, Arin. I don’t know what you’re trying to hide from me or what’s been going on with you lately, but I know that something's up.” He puts his hand on Arin’s knee, his expression changed, and his tone shifted from concerned to something much closer to pleading than anything else, his voice cracking. “Please, Ar. Talk to me.”

The sound of Dan’s voice sends a pang of sadness through Arin. A wave of emotion floods him, causing him to start crying without even realizing it. Tears stream down his face and he turns away from Dan. He doesn’t understand what was happening, but God damn did it feel good to feel this. For the first time in months, that nagging hole inside of him felt full of something again. Dan put his hand on Arin’s face, turning him so that the two men are eye to eye again.

“Arin, what ever is happening right now, I need you to talk to me about it, ok? Let me help you through whatever this is. I promise I’m here to listen and I won’t judge you or go anywhere, alright? Just take your time and let it all out.”

Arin suddenly reaches out and grabs Dan’s hand, placing it on his cheek. Dan looks at him confused, but doesn’t take his hand away. Arin closes his eyes, still holding Dan’s palm to his face, Dan letting his fingers gently cup the crying man’s cheek, running his thumb across it to wipe away a falling tear.

“Danny I don’t know why but recently I’ve felt so dead inside. I’ve been doing stupid things to try and fill a void inside of me with something, anything at all. But it doesn’t work, not for long anyway. But - but when you touched my face and... and... I don’t know but something about you just now filled me with sadness and I’m so happy.”

Dan places his other hand on Arin’s bare cheek, the skin hot and wet from crying. He leans forward and places his forehead against Arin’s, his own skin cold in comparison. 

“I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling that way. I wish you told me sooner. I completely understand what you mean.” His voice is soft, and Arin can feel his breath against his face and smell the Chai tea that he has been drinking earlier. His tears stop flowing now, and he closes his eyes and listens to Dan’s deep voice. 

Dan pulls his face back from Arin’s and removes his hands from his face. Arin makes a discontented noise at the sudden loss. Dan pushes back Arin’s hair, tucking it behind his ears and wiping off the remaining streaks of tears from his cheeks. He shifts over to the opposite side of the couch and lays down, facing outwards. He motions to Arin to come and join him. Arin looks at him, a little startled and confused.

“Come ‘ere big cat, lay down with me for a while. I think it might help you feel better. In a bit I’ll tell you something I’ve never talked to anyone else about, not even Barry, ok? But for right now, let’s just relax.”

Arin hesitates for a moment, but only a moment. The idea of lying next to Dan and having his arms around him...well, he’s never wanted to do anything so badly. He slides over to Dan, not really knowing exactly which way to lay there. He eventually finds the perfect spot and the two men lie there together, legs intertwined, Arin’s face buried in the crook of Dan’s neck, Dan’s hand running lightly through the younger man’s silky hair. 

Arin still doesn’t quite understand what was happening, or why it was Dan that broke the emotional dam inside of him, but he does know one thing. The feeling of being this close to Dan, of having their bodies touching like this...this sensation beats out all the others. The pain, the adrenaline. None of it comes close to being held by Dan right now. He wants to hear what Dan has to say, but that can wait for just a few minutes...or maybe longer.


	2. Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Arin in his arms, Dan decides to tell him just how well he understands what he's going through, because he went through the same thing when he was in his twenties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drug references, depression, suicide mentions, the whole deal. I'll probably be writing at least three chapters for this fic, but I'll also be writing a really fluffy and nice one when I hit my next hundred on tumblr. Let me know what you guys think, comments are always extremely appreciated.
> 
> EDIT: Obviously at least three chapters, considering that as I'm writing this edit there are three chapters. I'm currently re-reading this piece because I plan on adding Chapter 4 soon. I'm also doing some minor editing. Nothing to change the story in any way, just small tweaks to fix grammar or flow issues.

No one has come in to the Grump room yet. No one knows that instead of recording episodes, Dan and Arin are lying on the couch, bodies intertwined, not speaking at all but just being with each other, being in each other’s presence, sharing body heat. One of the greatest perks of these Grump sessions is that no one will take notice if they don’t see Dan or Arin for hours at a time. Dan never thought that this would come in handy for a situation like this. Honestly, he never really thought that this situation would happen at all. Not here, at least. And now here they are, Dan idly playing with Arin’s hair, looking fondly at the man lying there in his arms. Dan runs his other hand gently down Arin’s back, tracing lazy circles there. From the way that he's breathing, Dan could tell that Arin has calmed down, and might even be close to falling asleep. They have been laying there for probably an hour or so, so maybe Arin had actually fallen asleep. The thought of them falling asleep in each other’s arms warms Dan’s heart, and he chuckles a bit. Arin stirs slightly and moves his face from Dan’s neck so that their eyes are interlocked again.

“Sorry Ar, did I wake you?” 

“Nah I wasn’t sleeping. I’m just really comfortable right now.” 

Arin’s voice is different than what Dan is used to. It’s not as deep, not as confident. He sounds almost childlike, shy and innocent, which aren’t two words that Dan would normally associate with him. But then again, everything about Arin is different than what he’s used to, and thinking about it, it’s been this way for a few months. His jokes aren’t as frequent and he doesn’t laugh the way he used to. Arin’s laugh is one of the many things that Dan loves about Arin, and it’s something that can’t be faked or replicated, not even by Arin himself. Dan wishes that he had said something sooner, beating himself up about the fact that Arin had been suffering and he had done nothing to help. He looks at Arin’s bandaged hand, which is resting on his chest. The blood has long since dried, leaving behind four dark reminders of the pain that Arin had put himself through.

If only he had said something sooner, maybe Arin wouldn’t have resorted to hurting himself. He still doesn’t know exactly what happened, but Dan knows that it wasn’t an accident. He stops moving his hands, letting the one that had been stroking Arin’s hair fall slowly onto the couch. He feels sick to his stomach, an unwanted and uncomfortable warmth spreading over his chest and belly. He scowls at himself, hating himself for not being there for his best friend until it was already too late.

“I’m so sorry, Arin.”

Arin looks up at him, but appears to be too drained to really form any sort of solid expression. His eyes have returned to that lackluster shade that they previously had, making it hard for Dan to even recognize him. Seeing him like this, without any passion in his eyes, without a smile on his face, without even that sadness that had been present only an hour ago...it just kills Dan inside. 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything earlier. I noticed that you weren’t really being yourself but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say a fucking thing to you.”

Dan isn’t the type of person to raise his voice when he gets upset, but it’s becoming harder and harder for him to maintain his composure. He knows that yelling won’t solve anything, and Arin might think that he’s mad at him instead of the opposite. It's himself that he's angry about. It's himself that he hates in this moment.

Arin doesn’t say anything, waiting for Dan to keep talking. Dan starts to tremble slightly, but he hopes that Arin doesn’t notice.

“I...I could tell that something was wrong and I should have known what it was. I should have known because I went through the same God damn thing, Arin.”

Dan looks down at Arin, taking his lack of a response as a sign of disapproval.

“Ok, I’m not trying to say I know exactly how you feel, or that what I went through is what you’re going though I just... I think I know where you’re coming from, and you don’t think that I understand what it’s like to feel how you do, but I do, ok? I haven’t told anyone about this because I also thought that no one would understand. But I think that hearing this might help you.”

Dan looks at Arin again, hoping to see a sign of...a sign of anything on his face. His eyes are still flat and dark, but he nods, showing Dan that it’s ok to keep going. Dan takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.

“ When I was in college, something changed inside of me. I stopped being myself because I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t look forward to anything, I didn’t get excited about anything. I was numb to the outside world and didn’t know how to fix it, or if I even wanted to fix it. I wanted to be dead more than I wanted to try and feel alive again, because I just didn’t have the energy to try. I could never bring myself to...well I just couldn’t ever go through with...”

Dan’s breath hitches in his chest, but he waits for just a moment and then continues, keeping his eyes closed to avoid looking at Arin’s dead expression.

“There was always something holding me back from the edge. But I decided that if I couldn’t kill myself, that I would just try and make myself feel something again. So I started smoking. At first, I could get high off of just one hit. It was a feeling that I had never experienced before, and it opened up something in me. All of a sudden I could touch things and the sensation would roll through my whole body, sending shivers through me like an electrical current. When I’d look at something, it would change itself a million times but yet still be the same thing all at once. I could exist in two places at once, thinking at a million miles an hour, going through dozens of conversations in my head, but at the same time say nothing and be drifting in my own little world without anything holding me down. 

It was incredible, but after every high comes a low, and that first low hit me hard. It was like nothing had happened, and I was back to being an empty shell of myself. So I decided that I would never let myself be low anymore. I started smoking every day, and then multiple times a day. There wasn’t a single waking moment of my life that I wasn’t stoned, and I was afraid to stop. I was afraid of turning back into that me that wasn’t me, that me that wanted nothing from life except for it to end.

But the stoned me still wasn’t the real me. I started to finally see through the endless fog in my mind, started to see that I needed to stop and actually try to get back to normal. But I really didn’t know how. I didn’t have anyone to turn to. All of my friends were stoners and hadn’t really known me before I started smoking. Everyone thought that stoner Dan was the normal Dan. Honestly, even though I wanted to be a functioning member of society again, I really didn’t know what that meant. I had forgotten who I was before this while thing started. I had to rely a lot on myself and I had to separate myself from the drugs. It wasn’t until I decided to really get into music that I started to become myself again. I’m still not entirely sure if I’m one hundred percent there yet...”

Dan finally opens his eyes, taking a deep breath, slowly coming to terms with the fact that he just told Arin something that no one else in his life knew about. What if this wasn’t at all like what Arin was feeling? What if he offended Arin by assuming that he knew what it was like? What if...

“Dan I had no idea.”

Dan is cut short in his thought by Arin finally speaking up. He looks down at the younger man, surprised to see a small flicker of light in his eyes again. Nothing like what they usually are, but it was something. Maybe he hadn’t completely blown it.

“What you described to me, that feeling like you aren’t yourself, like you don’t want to live but can’t take the final step to end it all...that’s exactly how I feel. I feel like there isn’t anything left in me except for this...this pit of darkness. I know I still love Suzy and my parents and all of my friends but I can’t express it. It’s hard for me to smile or laugh or even to get really upset at anything except for myself.”

Dan watches as Arin brings his hand up towards his face, trying to bend his fingers and failing to do so without wincing.

“But the only thing I could think of to try and bring myself out of this was to shock my system, to overload myself with pain and adrenaline in the hopes that I’d suddenly wake up and be alright again. But it wasn’t working. Now I have to keep ramping it up, over and over and over again. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t stand being numb. I’d rather be in constant pain and be closer to the person I used to be than to just...exist. I don’t want to just exist, I want to live.”

Dan feels Arin pulling himself closer, closing any sort of gap that's between the two of them. Arin buries his face into Dan’s shirt, balling up his fists in the fabric, his face twisted in pain, both physical and emotional.

“I didn’t think anything was going to break this cycle. I didn’t know how far I’d have to go to keep this shit up. But then...but then today happened. You happened, Dan. You looked at me and talked to me like seeing me in pain was hurting you, and I felt something inside of me that I haven’t felt in so long. It’s been so long, Danny. I don’t know how or why but after all these months it was you that broke the dam inside of me and allowed me to finally let something out. Laying here, with you, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt. But my mind is trying to revert back to the darkness. Before you started talking I was already receding back into that pit. But, just like earlier, just hearing you talk with such candidness and sincerity just...”

Dan feels moisture touch his skin through his shirt. He can’t hear any change in Arin’s voice but he can see now that he’s crying again. He wraps his arms around Arin and kisses his forehead gently.

“It’s ok, baby girl. Just let it all out. I’ll do whatever it takes to help bring you out of this, ok? I’ll drag your ass out of that pit even if it takes a hundred years. We’re in this together and I’ll never give up on you. I’m here, Arin. Always.”

Arin’s silence turns into loud sobs, the sound muffled by Dan’s shirt. Dan can feel Arin’s body shaking violently against him, can feel the raw emotions pouring out of him. Now he can’t hold back his own tears, letting them fall quietly into Arin’s hair. He gently rocks the weeping man, humming softly through his tears. He can’t even to begin to comprehend everything he’s feeling at this very moment, with Arin crying in his arms. He feels relieved, the weight of his turmoil finally off of his shoulders. He can finally use his own hardships to help someone else. The fact that the person he can help is his very best friend makes it even better. Dan smiles, still humming a tune that he doesn’t even know if Arin can hear, and he feels like he might just be that much closer to becoming one hundred percent again. Even though it might be later than he wishes, he’s so glad that Arin can confide in him now. He doesn’t care how long they lay there, he’ll stay there with Arin for the rest of their lives if that’s what it takes to help him. As Arin’s sobs start to subside, he allows himself to drift off, secretly hoping that him and Arin will never have to stop laying on this couch together.


	3. Going Blank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At first, things seem to be looking up for Arin, and he's finally happy - for a short time. Once he gets home, the familiar numbness comes creeping back in, but this time it's accompanied by something new, something that he doesn't quite understand. Things go from bad to worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the one that's the closest to my heart, because this is the thing that I have to most trouble with in my daily life. Hopefully writing about it and getting feedback will help me learn to deal with it. Let me know what you guys think. Please leave me a comment or feel free to message me on tumblr.
> 
> EDIT: Re-reading this after 9 months is really interesting. I can still bring myself back to the place I was when I wrote this. I still haven't decided if this fic is going to have a happy ending, or if it's ever going to truly end at all. I guess once I write Chapter 4 I'll know my answer. Stay tuned.

Arin lays in his bed, wishing he could just fall asleep already. It’s been a few hours since him and Dan had left the Grump Space. They had spent so long just laying together on the couch, not saying anything, not feeling the need to break the silence. But after a while, Dan got a phone call and had to leave do to some ‘important business things.’ Dan had apologized profusely, telling Arin that he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the night with him but that he really needed to go.

 

Even after he left, Arin still had this warm feeling in his heart, a feeling of hope and joy and...well, happiness. He was  _ happy _ , plain and simple. He was happy that Dan understood him and listened and told him things that no one else knew. On the drive home, he was still  _ happy _ , when he arrived home, he was  _ still happy _ .

 

But now, a few hours later, he isn’t happy anymore. He isn’t anything anymore. He’s right back where he was earlier this morning: emotionless, tired, dull, worn out. It’s as though today’s events hadn’t happened at all. But underneath this sort of ‘comfortable numbness’ that he’s become used to, there’s something new, something that he hasn’t ever experienced before: He doesn’t feel like himself anymore.

 

As he lays in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, it’s as though he’s experiencing everything from outside his own body, like he’s watching a movie or playing a game. Time seems to move quickly, and before he knows it light is pouring in through his window. He looks at his clock. 8:45 AM. He knows that he should be up already, making breakfast and getting ready for the day. He knows that him and Dan have a lot of catching up to do since they didn’t record yesterday. He knows all of this, and yet he doesn’t move. It’s as though his controller has run out of batteries, and now he can’t control his character, although instead of being an abstract fictional character in an intangible fictional world, the character is himself. 

 

He lays there, staring at the clock, his eyes ringed in ashy gray. He blinks slowly, his eyes focusing on the bright red numbers on his clock as they open again. 10:58 AM. He still doesn’t move, his face lacking any sort of panic or confusion, or really anything. He hears his phone vibrate on the night stand. He shifts his eyes downward, seeing that it’s a message from Dan.

 

_ Hey buddy, on my way into the office. Need any… _

 

That’s all he can read without opening the message, and in a few seconds the screen turns off. Arin knows that he should respond to Dan, call him and tell him that he isn’t coming in today, that he’s feeling weird, that he needs a few days off. But instead he just closes his eyes again.

 

\----

 

Arin wakes with a start as he hears pounding at his front door. He looks over to his clock, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. 3:26 PM. He gets up, not bothering to check his phone before slowly padding out of his room. He opens the door, and before he can adjust to the light outside, the person waiting there comes inside, quickly rushing past Arin and into the dining room area.

 

“Arin, are you ok? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you all day, man! Were you sleeping? Are you sick?”

 

Arin shuts the door and turns to look over at his visitor. It’s Dan, of course, and he looks incredibly worried, and maybe a bit angry. Arin rubs his eyes again, trying to wake himself up and acting more like himself, but he just doesn’t have the energy to put up an act right now.

 

“Sorry. I’m just tired. Nothing to worry about. I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone. Sorry I worried you.”

 

Arin’s voice is monotone, lacking as much enthusiasm and emotion as his face. Dan walks over to him, placing his hands on his shoulders. Normally the gesture would be a comfort, but Arin can hardly even feel the weight or heat of Dan’s hands. He looks at Dan’s face, his friend's expression a mixture of concern and determination. His face is slightly red, and his breathing is faster than normal. He must really be upset, Arin thinks to himself.

 

“Arin, don’t apologize to me. I know something else is up with you. Something different than what’s been going on that you told me about yesterday. You’re even less of yourself today. I hardly recognize you, buddy. Please talk to me, what happened?”

 

Dan’s voice wavers slightly, and Arin can tell that it’s taking every ounce of his strength to keep himself from crying. Arin would normally hate himself for making Dan feel like this, but the whole situation doesn’t feel real, so why should he worry about it?

 

“Nothing happened, Dan. I’m fine.”

 

After a moment, Dan pulls Arin in, embracing him tightly. Arin can feel his chest trembling against him, and he knows that Dan must be crying. 

 

“Arin, you don’t have to lie to me. I’m just trying to help you. Please, I’m so worried about you. Please, please talk to me, big cat.”

 

Arin’s face doesn’t change. He keeps his eyes open, staring sightlessly in front on him. His arms stay at his sides, not making any effort to return the embrace. Dan continues to cry and hold him, quietly pleading. Arin just stands there, his body empty, an unmanned vessel with his face and voice, but it’s not him. This feels like a dream, but not his own. He feels like he’s looking into someone else’s dream, a bystander with no control, no power, no voice. The edges of his vision are fuzzy, and he can’t quite seem to focus on anything. His ears tone out Dan’s sobs, and after a few minutes he feels and sees and hears absolutely nothing.

  
Everything goes white.


	4. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arin takes some time to himself to reflect and try to connect back with who he is. Will he be able to pull himself out of this fog? Will he be able to finally put a name to this unknown not-himself feeling?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AFTER NINE MONTHS HERE IT IS!!!!! At the time I'm writing this, I have just finished re-reading and editing the previous three chapters. I'm in the perfect writing state (perfect for me, anyway) and ready to dig deep and write about issues that I've personally been through, using Arin as my medium. I don't think this will be the last chapter, and as I'm writing this I also don't know exactly where this chapter is going to go, how long it's going to be, or anything else, really. I'm going to do what I usually do when I write and just go for it. I hope you all enjoy and as always, please feel free to leave a comment and/or message me on tumblr.
> 
> EDIT: WHILE WRITING THIS I ACCIDENTALLY CLOSED THE BROWSER AND LOST ALL OF MY WRITING. I'm really upset. But I'll rewrite it I guess.
> 
> EDIT AGAIN: Wow it's been an entire year since I started this fic. I think that's a sign that I should finish it soon. As I'm writing this note, I doubt that this will be the final chapter, but we'll see, right?
> 
> ANOTHER EDIT: I wasn't planning on writing this today, but here we are. I'm happy how it turned out and I look forward to your comments!

"Arin, I need you to wake up, buddy. Please wake up. Please."

Arin can hear Dan's voice, faint at first. After a few moments, the voice becomes clearer, less muddled. He feels the light hitting his closed eyes and he winces slightly. Dan keeps talking to him, pleading him to open his eyes. After a few more moments, he finally obliges. His entire body feels weak and fragile, as though it would crumble if he tried to move. Dan notices that his friend's eyes are finally open again, and he rushes over to his side. His face is pale, but thick, red streaks show that he's been crying. He tucks Arin's hair behind his ear, trying to get it out of his face. Arin doesn't make eye contact, instead looking at the ground.

"Ar, thank God! I was so worried you wouldn't...that you might...anyway, it doesn't matter now. I called my doctor and he told me that you were probably just really dehydrated and to not worry and to stay with you until you woke up and to give you water and...and..."

His voice trails off, and Arin still hasn't moved or said anything. He still doesn't really understand what happened. He remembers how he felt right as it happened, the silence, the whiteness, the emptiness, but it's different now. He feels more in control of himself now, just with no energy. He's back to his usual - 'usual' for the past few months - self for the most part. Dan gets up suddenly and walks over to the kitchen, or somewhere in that general area. All of Arin's energy is going towards keeping his eyes open, so he doesn't look. In a few moments, Dan is back. He has a bottle of water in his hands, which are obviously shaking. He tries to say something, but his voice catches in his throat. He clears it and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"You need to drink this, please. I doubt you've had any food or water in at least a day, which is probably why you passed out. You're really freaking me out, Ar. You need to get help, get on meds, have a spiritual experience, or at least something. You can't keep doing nothing cause this is just getting worse. I don't know how to deal with this, how to help you. This is out of my realm of knowledge, man. You've breached a barrier into something different and it's changing you. I feel like I hardly recognize you right now and it's killing me. I just..."

Before Dan can continue, Arin lifts his head up, locking eyes with his concerned friend. This takes Dan by surprise, and he just stares back, glad to see some type of response.

"Danny, I really appreciate you. I think I just need a few days to myself right now. I need to, I don't fuckin' know, do some research or soul searching or something..."

His voice is weak, but not monotone and dead like before. There's some speck of himself in his voice, and Dan must have noticed, because he perks up instantly. He opens up the bottle of water, guiding it into Arin's hands. Arin drinks slowly but eagerly, taking long sips. The water is room temperature, but he can feel it coursing through his body almost instantly, as though it's flowing through every vein at once, waking up his brain a little more. After one last sip, he lets his head fall back onto the couch. He doesn't remember getting on it. Dan must have picked him up and brought him over here. Arin thinks about how lucky he is to have a friend like that. One of these days he'll be able to show his appreciation. One of these days. He looks over to Dan, who is sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He looks much more calm and collected, but still obviously concerned.

"I think I'll be ok for now, Dan. I'm sorry I worried you so much. You're right, I haven't had anything to eat or any water in awhile. I'll make a conscious effort to do that, ok? I promise. I'll text you later today to let you know I'm ok, but I really just need to be by myself right now. Please."

His voice is stronger now, almost to it's usual tone and volume. Dan is silent for a few moments, but Arin hears the sound of him getting up, and then a sigh.

"I really don't want to leave you alone like this, but you seem a lot better than earlier. If you need me, please call, ok? I'm not upset with you or anything, and I just want to help you. I'm always here for you buddy. I love you."

He puts a hand on Arin's knee, holding it there for the briefest of moments before leaving the house. As he hears the door close, Arin takes a deep breath, opening his eyes. He wishes he wasn't in this situation to begin with. He wishes he could just be happy and sad and angry and everything like he used to be. Above everything else, though, he wishes that he'll never have to experience that...that feeling again. That feeling of watching your own body as though it's a recording, a movie, a shadow of himself. That horrible feeling of nothingness that he can only put words to after the fact. 

Thinking about it now, it seems so unreal, as though maybe it was just a dream. But he knows that it wasn't, as much as his brain is trying to tell him otherwise. The emptiness isn't the thing that scares him the most, though. It's the fact that while he was like that, he didn't care about consequences. He knew that he needed to get out of bed and go into work, but he felt no remorse when he stayed in bed. He knew he should have answered Dan's text, then Dan would worry if he didn't respond, but he didn't care. He didn't...anything. He simply occupied his body without feeling anything. That's what scares him. What if he had gotten in his car? What if he decided to run his car off a bridge, not caring that he would die? Could things have escalated to that point? He can feel his heartbeat quicken, the thumping filling his ears as he lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling. He doesn't ever want to feel like that again. He knows that he has to figure out what this is, and how he can fix it...or if he can at all.

He gets up off the couch slowly, his body still weak. He must have hurt himself when he passed out. His stomach grumbles. Or maybe it's just because he hasn't eaten. He walks into the kitchen, grabbing a granola bar from the cabinet. He munches on it slowly, the sound of it oddly loud in his head. He feels as though his senses are weirdly heightened right now, like when someone wakes up from anaesthesia. He's suddenly aware that he's cold, his skin covered in goose bumps. He goes to his room and grabs a long sleeved shirt, then sits on his bed. He grabs his laptop from his nightstand and opens it up, along with a browser. He swiftly types in Google.com and hovers his cursor over the search bar. His fingers twitch slightly as he holds them over the keys. He doesn't know where to start. He sighs, taking another bite of his granola bar. He types in 'feeling empty inside' into the search. A bunch of articles and blog entries come up about depression. He scans though a few, not finding anything that's exactly right. 

One of the articles mentions something that catches his eye. It's a word that he's never seen in the context of mood and emotional disorders: dissociation. He continues reading the article, each sentence making him feel more and more...content? Excited? He doesn't exactly know, but he feels...something. He looks up dissociation next and what he finds is incredible. An unbelievable amount of personal stories, testaments, experiences, all similar to his own. His upper lip starts to tremble, and before he even really has time to comprehend it, he's crying. Weeping, even. After about an hour of reading, he finally understands why he's so moved by all this. He's not alone. He grabs his phone, typing up a short message. "I think I can do this."


End file.
